The Illusion of Healing
Each year, I truly believe I’ve gotten better for good—that I can finally see the other side, where the grass is greener. The days feel brighter, and the tears come less often. But then, without warning, the black hole returns and pulls me back in.
If you struggle with depression or anxiety, you understand the idea of getting better—when you’re on an upswing. But you also know what it feels like when the darkness creeps back in. Whether it’s depression, lack of motivation, or the sudden loss of happiness, this is a deeply vulnerable reality that many of us face.
Just because I say I'm fine, act like I’m fine, and appear fine in your eyes doesn’t mean I am fine—or that I’ll stay happy forever.
The Mask We Wear
It’s hard for someone struggling with these emotions to even accept what’s happening. It’s confusing and overwhelming. You finally reach a place of peace, and suddenly you feel ungrateful because sadness has returned.
You try to shove it deeper, ignore it, and put the mask on again—because you're afraid of what others might think if they saw the truth.
You tell yourself it’s all in your head. That you’re imagining it. That it’s not really happening again. But then it hits you—hard. You were just praising yourself for feeling better. You just picked up a new habit or goal, and now you can’t even commit to it.
It feels like going from a high straight into a crash. And your mind can barely process it.
A Seasonal Pattern I Know Too Well
For me, this cycle is especially tied to seasonal depression. I’ve experienced it every year for as long as I can remember.
Around the end of spring, early June—I finally start to feel alive again. The sun is shining, and suddenly life feels full of reasons to keep going. I feel invincible, like I can do anything I set my mind to. I’m less angry, less bitter, and genuinely happy to wake up each day.
Everyday tasks feel lighter, even enjoyable. My thoughts become more accessible and positive.
And Then It Returns...
It usually starts in late fall. It’s subtle at first, just a little harder to wake up, a little less motivation. But when winter hits, it hits hard.
The snow, the cold, the isolation—it all piles up. There’s less sunlight, and less interaction with people. These are the months where the dark place settles in. And it’s a place I truly hate to be.
It’s scary and lonely, and you never know what’s coming next.
Mood swings. Anger. Sadness. Disconnection. These are the days I don’t want to get out of bed. The days where I can’t bear to be around a single person. The days where even showering feels like an unbearable chore.
The Frustration of Trying Everything
One of the hardest parts of this is the frustration with treatment.
I’ve tried countless medications, but none have worked without bringing side effects I can’t manage. Some worsen my suicidal thoughts. Others make me feel sick, both mentally and physically. Every time I start a new one, I ask myself:
"Is this it? Will this finally work? Or am I stuck in this cycle forever?"
Honestly, I still don’t have an answer. And not knowing is scary.
But I try to stay grounded in what I do know: I’m not alone in this. And I’m lucky to have access to support, resources, and the chance to keep trying.
And Still, I Rise
Then the cycle begins again.
The sun comes back. The birds start chirping. And I feel “cured” again.
It’s a full circle—one I don’t completely understand and maybe never will. But I’m still here. Still learning. Still fighting.
Final Thoughts: You're Not Alone in the Cycle
If you’ve ever felt like this—like you're finally better, only to be pulled back into a familiar darkness—please know you're not alone. Healing is not linear. It's messy, confusing, frustrating, and often exhausting. But that doesn’t mean it’s not real.
You are still healing, even when it hurts. You are still growing, even when it feels like you’re going backward. You are still worthy, even when the light feels far away.
Keep going. This story isn’t over yet.
Let's Keep Goins-- Together
If this post resonated with you, I want you to know you’re not alone in this journey. Healing takes time, support, and community—and that's exactly what I hope to offer through this blog.
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